We've been having some rough days with our three year old recently. She is a little girl with big emotions and big opinions and desires to be in control of every situation.

This last week she has been waking in the middle of the night announcing that she does not want to sleep anymore, especially not in her own bed. You can imagine how thrilled this makes me, especially since Addison isn't quite sleeping through the night yet. Between Addie waking to nurse and Lilly thinking that she can decide that 2am is morning time I am getting very little sleep.

Tonight as I was holding Lilly in her bed and singing her a few songs to help her settle back down to sleep I started praying for her to have a spirit of submission and to trust and surrender to my authority. I knew when I told her it was time for mommy to go back to her bed she would start to whine and tell me no. (Still trying to figure out why she thinks she can tell me no, it never works out for her, but she is persistent in trying...) While I was praying God began speaking to my heart about surrender to His authority.

There are so many areas I am actually being exactly like Lilly in my desire for control.

When Lilly is struggling to obey we talk to her about how our choices lead to blessings or consequences and provide examples of each. We talk to her about how God has made us to be her mommy and daddy and that she needs to trust and obey because we know what is best for her, like staying in her bed and sleeping at night. In all the wisdom of her 3 years, she insists that she doesn't need to sleep, insists that her bed is not the best place for her to be. I can see her internal struggle sometimes as she thinks about the blessings of good behavior. She wants them. She wants to enjoy the good things like snack time after bath for example, but she just can't bring herself to fully surrender. No matter how good the promise of obedience, her desire for autonomy is winning out. She can't see past the moment she's in or let go of wanting to be in control of her situation. I know there are differing parenting philosophies on allowing your children to choose or not choose certain things, but let me say that when there are times when we allow her to choose, as in "Okay you don't have to put your covers on." after she's whined about them being on, she will immediately begin to whine and say she does want them on after all. Because she's three and she doesn't know what she wants except for to be the boss.

My heart is more like my three year old then I really want to admit.

I know the promises of obedience that God has given us in His word, and I want them badly! But so many times I just can't see past the situation I am in to surrender to Him. So many times my prayers are full of demands disguised as petitions - requests that are really my insisting that God make things turn out the way that I want them too {you know, all the wisdom of my 31 years!} instead of trusting that He knows whats best for me.

This whispering from the Holy Spirit tonight as I cuddled my toddler renewed my patience and compassion for her. In the end I did have to exercise discipline because the rules on bedtime are not up for negotiation, but my heart was gentle and compassionate towards her as I thought of the ways God's kindness leads me to repentance. His statutes are also not up for debate, even when I question them. I am grateful that He is slow to anger and quick to forgive.

So here I am awake and at 2:40 am writing this down {while nursing Addison} so that I will remember on the days that I am teaching Lilly for the 100th time about surrender and obedience, that God has been trying to teach me the same lesson for the last 31 years. His mercies have failed not, they are new for me every morning. And so will I strive to offer that same grace to my 3 year old. Even at 2am.

This summer I've been doing a couple of different things for my morning bible time. I've been rotating between a couple of books and then just reading through the book of Philippians... memorizing it and meditating on it and letting it take root deep in my heart.

There have been many words that have convicted and challenged me to check the motives of my heart, but these specific words from Paul have been following me around the last few days.

A couple of months ago my cousin shared a podcast that some acquaintances of hers had started.  A few years ago I wouldn't have been interested because I kind of assumed it was like an audio book and I've never really enjoyed listening to someone read. I like to read so I'd much rather read it myself. But since motherhood entered my life a few years ago and usually takes up 90% of my day - okay, no - I shouldn't blame it on motherhood. I just haven't been very good at making time to read in the last few years (something I'm changing! check out my book list for last year and this year!) so last year I started looking for and listening to podcasts. Usually I'll listen to John Piper or something else from Desiring God and I'll listen to it while I fold laundry or do dishes. I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised by how refreshing it was to hear some truth in the middle of my day! So when my cousin shared about Oh Hey Truth I was excited to go check them out.


They are a group of women who love God's Word and want to proclaim His word as THE truth. They know that there are so many opinions floating around and it can be hard to navigate them if we don't know what the real truth of God's Word says. They're all about reading the Bible, memorizing the Bible, knowing what it says and what it means so we can seek God and glorify Him! Also I just really love their name, like "Oh! Hey, truth! There you are! I've been looking for you!"

Their first few episodes were them reading sections of Psalms 119 and breaking it down. They talked about what the verses mean, their own personal testimonies and giving study tools and references for how to study God's word on your own.  I've genuinely enjoyed listening to it!

They recorded Psalms 119 in its entirety and I listened to it a few times on my long runs last fall. They also recorded the whole book of Philippians for the challenge week they just had, which was to read (or listen to) all 4 chapters of Philippians twice a day for 7 days. It's been Philippians on repeat over here in this house and I've loved it. (But I've always loved Philippians <3)



If you love God's word or want to know more of God's word, do yourself a favor and go check out Oh Hey Truth's website where you can find out all about their podcasts and blog and resources that they share. I'm not affiliated with them in any way, I just really think its edifying and encouraging and a great way to infuse some Truth in to your day!

So... I did a thing this past weekend that was completely out of my comfort zone.

I invited all of the ladies on my street to come to a book club at my house! *gasp*

Easter Sunday is just my favorite. Everyone comes to church energized by the empty tomb and the promise that it gives us. The excitement in the atmosphere is tangible. The ability to face tomorrow, no matter the circumstances, all because He lives! Yes, this is the promise we cling to all year round, I just wish I was better at carrying that same excitement about the resurrection of Christ thats felt on Easter, throughout the rest of the year.

On Saturday our church's children's ministry held an Easter egg hunt. It was inside because of the chilly and windy weather, but it was a fun time. Reaghan was not a fan of the singing puppet show, but enjoyed the egg hunt!

In my New Years post I shared that my sister Erin and her husband Adam were finally pregnant after 4 years of infertility struggles.

It was the very best news to start of the New Year and we were so excited to dream of all this year would bring - growing belly, gender reveals, baby showers, and a fresh new squishy baby to cuddle at the end of the summer.

I had been giving her progesterone shots every other day since they found out to help sustain the pregnancy. My poor sisters hips were tender and bruised from the multiple injections. But it was all going to be more than worth it. We just knew it.

It's with a severely broken heart that I share that they were unable to hear a heart beat at her last appointment and the ultrasound didn't show any growth of the gestational sack. They've instructed her to stop all medicine and return for another appointment on Thursday, as well as to prepare for her body to realize there is no longer a baby there.

Can I share a deep, dark secret of my soul?

It's a thought that might make me sound like I'm less of a Christian, or that my understanding of the bible is poor.

But it is this...

Sometimes when God performs miracles and answers prayers for others, I feel betrayed.

Why? Shouldn't I be praising His name for answered prayers? I often join my brothers and sisters in Christ praying for provision or healing or a miracle in a tough situation and I do rejoice when God answers the prayers in the way that we are asking. I celebrate, I thank him and I proclaim His good deeds to others. But, there is always a small part of me that wonders, deep down, why God has answered prayers for another but not for me; not for my family.

My brother was in a tragic accident in 2000, when he was only 9. We prayed that he might be able to walk again, that his ability to remember, learn and speak might be restored to normal, and that he wouldn't suffer from seizures. None of these things have been granted to us.

My sister and her husband are struggling with infertility. We've prayed for 4 years for God to open her womb. We are still waiting.

But....

A dear friend of the family had a stroke this past weekend, we prayed earnestly for his life and for healing because it didn't look good. I am overjoyed to share that God did answer our prayers and our friend is beginning his road to recovery. I can't thank God enough for hearing our cries. Seriously.

That small part of me that wonders "why not me?" in no way means that I am not rejoicing for the answered prayers for others. But the question still creeps up in my heart. I feel guilty writing it down, but it is truly the way that I feel and I sure do have to put every effort forward to not allow that feeling to take root and grow because I know there isn't an answer. No one can say why God answers some prayers and not others and I know I don't, in anyway, deserve to know the answer.

I realize I'm not the only one with unanswered prayers, which I guess is one reason I'm sharing this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes wonders why.

What's more? I don't have a beautiful, theological thought to summarize this confession. All I know is  this...

God is still God. Whether prayers are answered or go unanswered, He is still good. I love Him because He first loved me. He gave his Son so that I could have life everlasting and even though it seems like a far way off sometimes and it doesn't fully take away the hurt in the here and now, the prayers that feel unanswered will be wiped away one day. Maybe we'll understand why we didn't get what we asked for, or maybe it just won't matter anymore.

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

Gahhhh!!!!

I know I shouldn't complain seeing as I'm only 3 days past my due date today, but the anticipation is KILLING us! We are so ready for Reaghan to get here and she seems pretty darn content to stay where she is at.

At my last appointment on my due date, the Dr. said she didn't know why Reaghan wasn't trying to come! I'm 5cm dilated, 80% effaced and baby is engaged at station "0" in my pelvis - all the ingredients are there for labor to start but it just hasn't started. She "swept" my membranes a little to see if she could get some things going but apparently my amniotic sac is "bulging" so she didn't do much because she didn't want to accidentally break my water. (wow - my standards regarding what to/not to share has really lowered the last couple weeks! I guess pregnancy does that to you?!) Okay so enough of those details.... the Dr. did an impromptu ultrasound just because the machine was already in the room and she wanted to check on her amniotic fluid levels - I got to see her precious heart beating through her ribs and her lungs doing some breathing exercises! Everything looked great so the Dr. basically said go home and try to get labor started!

I would just like to say that my child seems immune to all the supposed ways of natural labor induction... spicy food? no labor, just heartburn. Walking? uh just makes me have to pee. I've been walking 1 mile everyday with Piper and last night tried walking the mall for like 3 hours with my mom and sisters... we had no luck but did have fun shopping! Having sex? this got us the closest with some cramping and contractions but it didn't last! (Again with the over sharing!?! Sorry - I have no filter these days, I just need to stop...)

There are some other suggestions like acupuncture, acupressure points, castor oil, and some other weird things that we're not that desperate to try. We just thought we'd give the "fun" ones a go.

I keep flip flopping back and forth between wanting to try to get this baby to exit and trying to remain patient and wait on the Lord. I suppose this is my first lesson in releasing mommy control over my baby back to the Lord and learning to understand that she really belongs to Him.

Before this week I was a full time Physical Therapist Assistant at the Children's Hospital in our area. I've worked there since graduating college in 2010 and have absolutely loved my time there. I have a great boss, a great clinical supervisor and seriously fantastic coworkers that I truly love and have become good friends with!

Ever since graduating college I knew staying at home with my kids was my ultimate plan - no matter how long that meant my career would last. It's the reason I chose the college path that I did. I fully believe that God has been laying the groundwork for my position change ever since my last semester of college, and I absolutely have to share this with you to give God the glory for the way things have worked out.

It was during my last semester that I received my wish for completing my last clinical internship rotation at the Children's hospital; after graduating in May the same hospital made me an offer to start there full time that July. I was ecstatic! I had fallen in love with treating patients there during my internship. Ever since then I have worked hard and learned a lot as a therapist and have prayed that when it came time for Mark and I to marry and eventually start a family I would be able to continue work there part time, though at the time there were no part time employees employed in our department. (As a healthcare professional I have to work so many hours in a 2 year period to keep my license current, so taking a break for a long period of time isn't possible if I ever wished to return to work as a PTA.) I knew ultimately that my first priority would be to stay home with my kids, but I also knew wisdom would suggest that maintaining the license I had gone to school for would be beneficial, should situations arise later in life that would require me to work. That is why I always prayed for the opportunity to continue working in some capacity after kids, and if possible, at the hospital. Over the last 4 years I've seen our clinic grow and our department hire more and more part time employees, as well as open up Saturday hours. I've always kept this in the back of my mind - excitedly praying that when we had a baby, I would be able to fill one of these part time spots.

Last year we hired a PTA who worked only 2 afternoons a week and then helped out Saturday mornings. It just so happened that she transferred to one of our other clinics last fall and her position at our clinic was left vacant. I prayed it would remain so as Mark and I began to "try" to start a family. This past February when I told my supervisor I was pregnant, we talked about what my plan would be following the baby's birth. I let her know then that I was hoping to take the part time position that had never been filled. She was very positive about it and felt that she could make that happen for me. I was thrilled!

Over the last several months of my pregnancy we have been trying to work out the details at work, and for a while we weren't sure if I would actually be able to be transferred to that position due to budget cuts and spending freezes that the hospital was undergoing. I was initially very stressed that it wasn't going to work out like I thought, especially after I had been bragging on the Lord for the way He was bringing it all about. But after Mark and I talked and prayed about it, we were given peace and decided not to stress about. We knew that if that position worked out then I would continue to work there, but if it wasn't going to be possible for me to take it, then I would stop working and maybe look next year for a part time position somewhere else. Because our first priority was for me to stay home with our little girl as much as possible.

The beginning of July it was confirmed that I would be able to take this very part time position and I was over the moon excited! I officially signed the papers last week!